Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
