white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
