Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
