He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
