I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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