I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
