All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
