Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
