i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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