If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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