I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm bleeding and have questions
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
