I CAN MOONWALK!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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