I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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