I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
