Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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