Cold hands, warm shart.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
