Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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