His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
