Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
