I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
