I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
