I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
