My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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