She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Rumble strips road head = magical
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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