i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
