ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think my moral compass just broke
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
