First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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