I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
