see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
