Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
