woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
