just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
