Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
