you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
