I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
