look no pants
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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