I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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