My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
