He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
What a dumb baby whore.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
