i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
