You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
