ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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