So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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