Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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