is your mom at the bar?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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