It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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