24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
