I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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