Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
