I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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