my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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