did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
