The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
