I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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