my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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