Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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